WEEK 5: BUILDING SELF-COMPASSION
You’ve let self-doubt and self-criticism run your life for years and it hasn’t helped you heal. Try self- love and self-compassion and see what happens.
Life will throw whatever it wants at us. It will scatter us with kindness, love and happiness but it will also smack us with pain, stress and fear. Self-compassion allows us to relax and move towards our struggles so we reverse the self-critical messages we’ve been telling ourselves all our life. It creates a caring space within us that enables us to see our mistakes and insecurities with kindness and gentleness. It provides a powerful motivating force to help us reach our goals and chase our dreams because we are no longer fighting ourselves along the way.
We naturally feel compassion for those we love. If they are hurting, we want to relieve their pain. If they are upset, we want to comfort them. And if they are lacking in confidence or doubting their place in the world, we treat them with gentleness and kindness, and reassure them that they are deserving of love and happiness.
But instead of treating ourselves with self-compassion when we are suffering or notice something about ourselves we don’t like, we often turn to self-criticism, self-pity or self-indulgence.
Most us of believe that self-criticism is what keeps us motivated and, since we were children, we’ve learnt that being hard on ourselves is the way to be. When I was 12 years old I remember beating myself up when I got a B in a history essay, because I thought the more I criticised myself, the more motivated I would be to work harder for an A next time. The trouble is, self-criticism never gets us any closer to our goals. We can’t shame ourselves into action.
Self-pity also comes naturally, but the problem with it is that we end up becoming immersed in our own struggles and get carried away in our emotional drama, leaving us feeling that we are alone. When we treat ourselves with self-compassion, this isolation and disconnection dissipates and we begin to understand that other people are suffering too. Our work stresses, relationship issues and worries about the size of our thighs become our link to humanity.
Self-indulgence is another way we cope with struggles instead of treating ourselves with self- compassion. Whether our stress leads to a splurge on designer handbags, a drunken night out, or an ice-cream binge, these short-term pleasures may harm our long-term wellbeing. Self- compassion is about giving ourselves lasting health and happiness.
The Western world is obsessed with increasing self-esteem. And, while low self-esteem can lead to depression and anxiety, trying to increase it can be problematic because it often encourages us to ignore our imperfections instead of having compassion for these unwanted parts of ourselves. Unlike increasing self-esteem, which can take us on an emotional rollercoaster of superiority when we feel above average and insecurity when we don’t meet our own high standards, increasing self- compassion empowers us to feel good about ourselves regardless of how pretty, smart, or popular we are, because we’re human beings naturally worthy of respect.
Self-compassion can be anything from cooking ourselves a nourishing meal to making amends with the friend who we feel wronged us, because we don’t want to carry the hurt with us anymore. It includes:
You’ve let self-doubt and self-criticism run your life for years and it hasn’t helped you heal. Try self- love and self-compassion and see what happens.
Life will throw whatever it wants at us. It will scatter us with kindness, love and happiness but it will also smack us with pain, stress and fear. Self-compassion allows us to relax and move towards our struggles so we reverse the self-critical messages we’ve been telling ourselves all our life. It creates a caring space within us that enables us to see our mistakes and insecurities with kindness and gentleness. It provides a powerful motivating force to help us reach our goals and chase our dreams because we are no longer fighting ourselves along the way.
We naturally feel compassion for those we love. If they are hurting, we want to relieve their pain. If they are upset, we want to comfort them. And if they are lacking in confidence or doubting their place in the world, we treat them with gentleness and kindness, and reassure them that they are deserving of love and happiness.
But instead of treating ourselves with self-compassion when we are suffering or notice something about ourselves we don’t like, we often turn to self-criticism, self-pity or self-indulgence.
Most us of believe that self-criticism is what keeps us motivated and, since we were children, we’ve learnt that being hard on ourselves is the way to be. When I was 12 years old I remember beating myself up when I got a B in a history essay, because I thought the more I criticised myself, the more motivated I would be to work harder for an A next time. The trouble is, self-criticism never gets us any closer to our goals. We can’t shame ourselves into action.
Self-pity also comes naturally, but the problem with it is that we end up becoming immersed in our own struggles and get carried away in our emotional drama, leaving us feeling that we are alone. When we treat ourselves with self-compassion, this isolation and disconnection dissipates and we begin to understand that other people are suffering too. Our work stresses, relationship issues and worries about the size of our thighs become our link to humanity.
Self-indulgence is another way we cope with struggles instead of treating ourselves with self- compassion. Whether our stress leads to a splurge on designer handbags, a drunken night out, or an ice-cream binge, these short-term pleasures may harm our long-term wellbeing. Self- compassion is about giving ourselves lasting health and happiness.
The Western world is obsessed with increasing self-esteem. And, while low self-esteem can lead to depression and anxiety, trying to increase it can be problematic because it often encourages us to ignore our imperfections instead of having compassion for these unwanted parts of ourselves. Unlike increasing self-esteem, which can take us on an emotional rollercoaster of superiority when we feel above average and insecurity when we don’t meet our own high standards, increasing self- compassion empowers us to feel good about ourselves regardless of how pretty, smart, or popular we are, because we’re human beings naturally worthy of respect.
Self-compassion can be anything from cooking ourselves a nourishing meal to making amends with the friend who we feel wronged us, because we don’t want to carry the hurt with us anymore. It includes:
- Treating ourselves with the same kindness we give to others
- Accepting, forgiving, loving, respecting and protecting ourselves
- Helping ourselves overcome our insecurities
- Recognising painful emotions as they arise
- Being gentle with ourselves when our self-esteem is low
- Being aware of our own distress and being willing to help ourselves alleviate it
Heart-Centred Exploration
Self-compassion requires three things: Being kind towards ourselves, feeling connected to others and being mindful. This week;s exploration taps into these actions and feelings by asking you to acknowledge anything in your life that makes you feel like you are not good enough. Then, instead of judging yourself for these insecurities, treat yourself with love and kindness so you can overcome them.
Begin by making a list of all the things that make you feel inadequate – anything that causes you to feel shame or insecure, or any experiences in your life where you feel you have failed or messed up. This may be related to the way you look, your work, your relationships, your diet... Notice what emotions you feel as you are doing this and, instead of suppressing them, allow yourself to feel them. Once you have made your list, imagine that you are an unconditionally loving and compassionate friend of yours. This friend can see all your strengths and weaknesses, all your talents and imperfections, all your achievements and mistakes, and they accept you completely.
Now write a letter to yourself from this imaginary friend. Focus on what they would say about your perceived failures and flaws, and how they would show compassion, acceptance and forgiveness by putting your health and happiness first. Notice how they remind you that we all mess up sometimes and you don’t need to let the shame take over your life anymore. Be aware of how they reassure you that you do not need to earn happiness and love by being perfect or pleasing everyone – you deserve it for the simple reason that you are human. Keep this letter somewhere safe and return to it any time you feel your self-esteem has been knocked or you are in need of comfort and connection.
Self-compassion requires three things: Being kind towards ourselves, feeling connected to others and being mindful. This week;s exploration taps into these actions and feelings by asking you to acknowledge anything in your life that makes you feel like you are not good enough. Then, instead of judging yourself for these insecurities, treat yourself with love and kindness so you can overcome them.
Begin by making a list of all the things that make you feel inadequate – anything that causes you to feel shame or insecure, or any experiences in your life where you feel you have failed or messed up. This may be related to the way you look, your work, your relationships, your diet... Notice what emotions you feel as you are doing this and, instead of suppressing them, allow yourself to feel them. Once you have made your list, imagine that you are an unconditionally loving and compassionate friend of yours. This friend can see all your strengths and weaknesses, all your talents and imperfections, all your achievements and mistakes, and they accept you completely.
Now write a letter to yourself from this imaginary friend. Focus on what they would say about your perceived failures and flaws, and how they would show compassion, acceptance and forgiveness by putting your health and happiness first. Notice how they remind you that we all mess up sometimes and you don’t need to let the shame take over your life anymore. Be aware of how they reassure you that you do not need to earn happiness and love by being perfect or pleasing everyone – you deserve it for the simple reason that you are human. Keep this letter somewhere safe and return to it any time you feel your self-esteem has been knocked or you are in need of comfort and connection.
Compassion Meditation
This week’s meditation is similar to the loving-kindness meditation we practised last week, only we change the aspiration to focus on compassion. Regularly practising self-compassion means that, regardless of whether we feel on top of the world because we just got a promotion, or we struggle to drag ourselves out of bed in the morning because we feel riddled with anxiety, we can recognise emotions rather than suppress them, be gentle with ourselves and embrace ourselves with kindness.
Begin by making a list of all the people you feel compassion towards – the people who, if they were suffering, you would want to be there for. Then begin to connect with that genuine compassion and experience what it feels like. Next, extend this compassion to yourself by creating an aspiration that works for you such as, ‘May I be free from anxiety, stress and fear’.
Close your eyes and begin to say this aspiration to yourself and connect with genuine compassion for yourself. If any feelings of guilt or shame arise, or any memories of failure pop into your mind, stay with the emotional distress rather that resist it and forgive yourself for being human. Once you have focused on self-compassion for a couple of minutes widen the compassion to:
Spend one to two minutes awakening compassion for each of the individuals and groups.
This week’s meditation is similar to the loving-kindness meditation we practised last week, only we change the aspiration to focus on compassion. Regularly practising self-compassion means that, regardless of whether we feel on top of the world because we just got a promotion, or we struggle to drag ourselves out of bed in the morning because we feel riddled with anxiety, we can recognise emotions rather than suppress them, be gentle with ourselves and embrace ourselves with kindness.
Begin by making a list of all the people you feel compassion towards – the people who, if they were suffering, you would want to be there for. Then begin to connect with that genuine compassion and experience what it feels like. Next, extend this compassion to yourself by creating an aspiration that works for you such as, ‘May I be free from anxiety, stress and fear’.
Close your eyes and begin to say this aspiration to yourself and connect with genuine compassion for yourself. If any feelings of guilt or shame arise, or any memories of failure pop into your mind, stay with the emotional distress rather that resist it and forgive yourself for being human. Once you have focused on self-compassion for a couple of minutes widen the compassion to:
- Someone you love
- A friend
- A stranger or someone neutral
- Someone you find difficult or offensive
- All of the above equally
- All beings
Spend one to two minutes awakening compassion for each of the individuals and groups.