When I began meditating, I was shocked at how much judgement and hatred I discovered in myself.
Everyone had told me that meditation would be calming and peaceful but my mind seemed to have a problem with everything — too hard, too loud, too big, too fat, too much, not enough, not strong enough, not perfect enough, not good enough.
I discovered layers and layers of anger and expectation and judgement that kept me at war with my body, myself and the world. And then, underneath those layers, were thousands more layers of hurt, regret, shame, loneliness, fear and grief — for the death of my Dad, for lost relationships and lost dreams, for the ways I had abused my body, for the times I had betrayed myself, for the thousands of moments of feeling unseen, unheard, unheld.
But slowly, gently, as I began peeling back the layers, feeling each pain as if for the first time and letting it unmask me, I discovered an inner peace. A freedom. A wholeness. A deeper, richer, more beautiful way of being alive.
So, if you are just starting out on your meditation journey and wondering if you’re doing something wrong because you are feeling the full force of your grief, your sorrow, your rage, remember that this is part of the journey too. Touching the deepest wells of grief, anger, and shame within us so we can release our pain. Facing the forces that keep us from living in a loving and conscious way. Taking our anger, our anxiety, our loneliness and using them as doorways to inner freedom, deep joy and true love ॐ